you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
