Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
fuck your aforementioned shoe
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Randomize
