Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Randomize
