I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
