I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
