Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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