it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I'm just crazy horny about you
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
