I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
