You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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