i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
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Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
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There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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