Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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