I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
