The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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