dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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