On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
