Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
My vagina just recognized that song.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
