eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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