I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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