he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
no, he came in my armpit
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
