I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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