Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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