Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
