You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
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