There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Randomize