oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
is wine microwaveable?
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
