Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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