I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
