Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
