does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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