Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
