Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
