I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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