We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
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