I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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