We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
