I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Randomize
