when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Randomize
