One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
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