I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
