thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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