I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
