Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
