you're like a bully in the Christmas story
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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