I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
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the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
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We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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