I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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