I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
