i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
