I wish I could punch you in the face.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
