Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
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You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
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You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going