i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
