I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
