Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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