My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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