my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I could fuck to npr.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Randomize
