ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
He? As in you personified your dick?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
