i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I just found a bag of teeth...
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
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I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
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I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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