You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
